Spent a good Christmas. Not much for presents anymore, or maybe i just learned what not to want or expect. Drank to much eggnog, but why not? I only do it once a year.


How have things been going? They are going. I guess i am just terrified to leave my house. The year is coming to an end again, time for something new for next year. I feel like i have learned a lot this year about myself and the self abuse i let happen. The dynamics of my relationships with people have changed and i love them all more for it. I think i have become more approachable and that is attributed to the fact that I've learned the importance of not hating myself. Hate for other people is always linked to self loathing, like a circle it always comes back to you. I have slowly let myself love people more, appreciate them more because it is reflective of the work i have done on myself. Apparently loneliness has been shown to have physical, and obviously emotional and mental, effects on the human body. The lack of touch and feeling disconnected is unhealthy. I have noticed that those that self loath have a tendency to get illnesses more frequently. I have a hunch that that is not just a coincidence- that depression, anxiety, loneliness, stress and self hating usually are there along side of tons of physical problems and illnesses because I believe they manifest themselves in that form; which is very real and impacts life dramatically. Now, it is obvious that stress effects your physical state, you can see it in the way that you can't sleep regularly or how you lose your hair. i think that the effects go beyond that. I don't think there is anywhere that being stressed or depression can't take you, the depth that it can effect your life mentally and physically is something that is under estimated. Depression seems to work in mirrors. You are depressed about being depressed about being depressed about being depressed and so on. It is infinite and the more it goes the worse it is. There is a part of you that understands that you like attention, that you want people to cry for you and feel sorry for you. There is a part of you that see's you acting this way and because of that self awareness, it adds to your depression. You think you should be able to control it. Does the chemical imbalance in the brain happen because you are depressed or are you depressed because of the chemical imbalance? I feel there is no difference in the two. The power of thought and physical health and well being are tangled up to the point that you can't tell which is more powerful. I feel that living a life that is happy is all based on how you feel about yourself. You will make your life worthless if you feel you are worthless. Not only that, you will effect the lives of those around you and they might not want to hang around you anymore or they might feel your relationship is worthless too. There is nothing to love yourself over as there is nothing to hate yourself over. You look at all these bad things in your life and you tell yourself you are a horrible person because you do them. Doing them doesn't make you a horrible person but feeling you are does. Feeling guilty about feeling guilty about feeling guilty about feeling guilty about feeling depressed about feeling depressed about feeling depressed. It's silly.


I think I've also learned that when i don't feel good nothing gives me such joy as helping others. Sharing happiness with others is something else entirely. I will need to do more of that in 2012. Will have to do more of a lot of things in 2012. I'm looking forward to new years so this year can be over finally. I have learned a lot but it was like climbing a fucking mountain. I don't want to go over the same things again and the trick is to remember that. There is so much i want to do which will require more then i have to offer right now. But im getting there, on my own and in my own pace. I love to love to love to love to love now, which is a step in the right direction. I have to look for reasons to love people and myself, they are just as infinite as the reasons to hate them but it depends on what you choose your path to be. Thanks for reading.




Pablo

I haven't been feeling like myself lately.

I feel distant from myself. I can't put my finger on it. Just tend to over think things to much. I want to settle down and get married but that would just be too soon and for the wrong reasons. It shouldn't be so i can just have that part of my life settled so i don't have to worry about it, a married women can leave just the same as a dating one. Anyone can leave anyone just the same. That scares me, it really does. There is no amount of trust you can give someone that will stop them from leaving if they want too. Maybe that's what keeps me alone. I'm not trusting but when i choose to be i give everything to it and that makes it more difficult when you lose it all. That scares me i guess, that level of commitment and faith needed for it to work. I want too but it still scares me. It wont always work out and it wont ever work out because of all the things i am afried of. But i can't lie to myself, i am completely scared. It stops me from taking things further. And then maybe i think i don't deserve it. I know there is a word for that, a word for someone who feels they don't deserve love, but i can't remember. I only hurt myself in the process. What i give to everyone i can't get in return because i shut myself out. I don't want to rely on them to give me it. I don't want to rely on anyone because a) i don't think i deserve it and b) if they give me it they can take it away just as easily. It's not that i think that everyone is a bad person, i just don't even want to take that chance. I realize that it has to do more with me then you but i just can't love myself. I fail to everyday. Some days more then others but consistently enough for it to have an impact on my life. And why should other people worry about it? im selfish with these things. I talk more about other people then myself but it's ALL related to me. Every judgement and preconceived notion is me. Because i fall apart, because i am weak, because i can't see things in front of me. And all the hatred towards anything out there is hatred of me, in me. And i want to drink, i want to do all the drugs to get away from myself but i don't. I feel it is important for me not too, like a fight i have to win. I can't give into that, i just can't and i refuse too. I have nothing else but i have that. It's not noble or power of will it is just complete fear that i would just give into that completely. And i refuse too, not even once. Nothing you do effects me more them myself, i don't have to fight you. I just have to fight me and i am scared ill lose.


Pablo

Maybe im too pessimistic this week.

Dads got something. He is tired and wants to sleep all the time, he checks his blood sugar but it's doing fine. I am worried and irritated. Shit he don't do, i have too. He doesn't and didn't take care of himself so now i gotta pick up the slack. Is it wrong for me to be mad at him? ill do it cause it's my fucking family but i just feel resentment towards it. Time after time i told him that he has to take care of himself because if he is not well all this shit is going to fall on me. Did he listen? no he didn't. It makes me mad to think about it sometimes but i have to learn to accept it and deal with what i have and not with what i don't. I know i have to learn to accept it for what it is but it just pisses me off to see him sulking around half a sleep. He feels sorry for himself so it makes it worse. I try to understand but it's hard for me to feel pity for him. He dug his own grave when all the time me and my mom fucking told him to take care of himself. Now we gotta put up with fucking mood swings and goddamn sulking and sleeping. I can't come home or stay out light because he can't fucking do shit. Jesus Christ. AND THEN they tell me "oh you have to go out there you have to put your face to world" Yeah, fuck you. You tell me that shit when all this shit is on me to do? Then you complain cause i don't do enough. Cause i sit here and i fucking neglect things. I don't want to do it not because doing it is hard but because dealing with all this constant shit and guilt trip is a complete joke. I'm the bad guy cause i don't do shit. Because, really, i don't fucking care about moping the fucking floor. I don't care about the goddamn dishes. I don't give two shits about the rats and roaches. The only thing, THE ONLY THING, i care about is the mental health and emotional health of my family. The well being of it. But no, lets all waste our fucking time with this stupid goddamn fucking shit. Working like robots: clean clean clean. Must get everything fucking clean. There is nothing then i give a shit less about then the cleanliness of this house, it doesn't even matter in the slightest. Let this fucking place go to hell and burn to the fucking ground with everyone in it. I don't give a shit. All i want is to be ok. I want my family to be ok. I want us to be happy and i want to stop feeling this way. But i have to pretend i don't see anything. i have to just keep it going for another day. Fucking Christ. Just leave me the hell alone.



Pablo

Filming tomorrow.

This actress chick is professionally enthusiastic. She was taught in those acting classes how to act enthusiastic, and it didn't help when i said that's what we are looking for. It'll be fine. As long as she does her job right, it'll be great. Can't expect anything more then putting in her time and getting the fuck out. 9 to 5 acting is fine as long as you're there from 9 to 5. She bullshits herself with her scheduled life. Whats really important is her demo reel and collecting as much footage as possible for it. That's fine bitch. Just suck my dick and goddamn footage will come out all over your face. That's all you want anyway so there it is, you fucking whore.

Anyway i am just irritated by it, maybe unjustly and over reactingly so. I am just sick of half assed, pussy fucks that live a lie and think they are too clever for it. They are so fucking clever they don't even look in the mirror and admit it's not working. Again, this is all i have. Films are a part of my life just as much as pissing or eating is. Where are the people like that? I think they are not at film school or in improv classes. Maybe i'm wrong and one day ill find someone who is different, who knows?

Also, im tired of being stuck here, like i have said before. I feel like im stuck in an alternate universe where there is an inanimate force conspiring against me but it's not something that is out in the physical world, it is something in my body. My brain and heart. Changing my prescriptive of reality into something without color or purpose. Something dull and mediocre. Things lose meaning and the point of waking up everyday is to wake up. That is exactly how it feels. The point in anything is to do it. Doesn't feel purposeful or moving or gaining on a goal. It just is and you do it without question. I hate feeling this way but i just can't seem to think. Everything moves in circles over and over again. The purpose is to do it, to think or to feel but you never understand why. You never comprehend why but it seems the question is always there. But you are too dumb to understand the answer or to blind to see it in front of you. Not even being depressed about it has a purpose. It just is, it's neither sad nor happy. Just makes me sick because i know im missing out on something that i can only aspire to be. Or maybe im just fucking crazy.


Pablo

I feel like im constantly walking on a line.

There is a line somewhere of happiness and saddest and im walking it. Anything could push me over to whatever side. My relationships with people seem to be missing. I'm having a hard time feeling close, even with someone right there. I can't get it together. I don't understand how it even works, how i work, how anything works. I miss feeling ok. I miss my friends and loving my family. I miss feeling those things which come so hard for me to feel recently. There isn't enough time in the day for anything. I haven't left the house in ages. I feel like im constantly confused. I just miss myself and people. I miss going out and enjoying things. I feel the longer i don't do anything the less i want too. I'm just so scared of going. So scared of something i can't even put into words. I want to feel close and be together but i don't know how. I don't any of it. Life is not a puzzle to figure out. You can't follow all the steps and expect to be happy. The steps are imaginary and anyone who seems they have figured out the pattern don't know what they are talking about. I don't know what everyone expects out of things. What is that they want? I can't give them anything. I can't open up enough, i can't be friendly enough. I can't give myself enough to them. No amount of sacrifice will be enough. Then im crazy, im going crazy. Im the one that makes things more then they should be. Because everyone is ok i just can't see it. They are ok following their patterns and functions. Im just to dumb to see it. Ether i am to dumb or they are just good at lying to themselves.


Pablo

Feeling horrible today.

I feel chewed up and when i feel like this i expect people to surround me with praise but at the same time i want to be alone. I don't know which is right. I can't decide, im only human. Who is perfect enough to know what they want all the time? I just don't see the reason to be awake today, or most days. Today is good because i can learn from it. I can see how pathetic, lonely and hateful i really feel towards myself. I can find infinite reasons to hate myself today and to hate other people. I just don't want to be me anymore. Implying that i am not me and somehow, at some point, I'll outgrow myself and become someone else. It seems that everyone has their shit worked out and i have nothing. I know that's not true, i know people have problems. But my problems are mine and i feel about them however damn well please. I can't blame anyone for anything but me. It's always my fault.  And i feel guilty about it i guess, ashamed. That's all this bullshit is anyway, shame and loneliness and self hatred. It's way to reach out to something. Reach out to myself and you, whoever you are. It's not personal when i feel this way, i don't try to ruin your day on purpose. Please forgive me, i just can't hack it some days. I never fake it and even with this i wont. I can't. I'm sorry. For myself most of all. I don't know what else to say but that. It's the truth. I just don't even want to exist anymore. I have to wait another 40 to 50 years to die, isn't that just great? Another 40 to 50 years of this shit. Do something about it, i say to myself. Just do. But i don't. because i am lazy and unforgiving of myself. Because i hate myself. Because i think this is all there will ever be till i die. That's all. I need to know it's going to be OK but i can't see it anymore. I can't...see it. What else is there? Nothing.


Pablo

I want to start writing again. Considering going out to get a ribbon for this goddamn typewriter today so i can. Part of me wants to write on a typewriter because it focuses me, the computer makes me feel like i'm at work. And it has to many distractions on it. On a typewriter you have all the benefits and quickness of a keyboard without all the rest. So all there is is you and the writing. But, another part of me just wants to do it because...well...it's one those "look at me, i'm old school. i like vintage photography and buy overly expense 60s clothing that used to be trash at value village a couple of years ago" things. Like a hipster, i guess. it's just cool the feeling i get from it while i do it. Im not ashamed, should i be?

i don't think im ever going to get into indie pop shit that seems so popular now. Completely pussified and ball-less music. It's all quite bland and doesn't have anything to say mostly, Doesn't stir the pot. Not that every band needs to be heavy or consist of distorted guitars. You can have just an acoustic guitar and a sweet singing voice and still punch people in the gut with your words, attitude and passion. What genre of music you play is no excuse for lacking passion and not saying anything. Indie pop just seems very surface level, like it's a new version of the same old pop songs cranked out for the shaking of asses at the club. Instead of the club, it's played at retro clothing shops and indie record stores. The underground is just as full of bullshit as the mainstream. And they both talk shit about each other and suck the dicks of every new artist that comes out like everything in that style of music is the only good music there is. I guess what im talking about overall is pretension. And indie pop and art rock are the reigning kings of breeding pretentious dicks and humorless cunts. I can't stand ignorance. I don't think im smarter then the rest because i know one thing that someone else doesn't. In fact, i don't even think im better then those people at all because maybe im one of them. As always, everything hateful you say about people is something about you that you hate. Everyone is everything all the time. That's how you can recognize a good person and a bad person. Cause you know from the years of living with your self and all the parts of you.

Pretension is the worst thing. It makes you stupid. Thinking you know everything about something makes you know nothing about anything. You stop learning. You stop growing. Might as well be dead really. You can be stupid, we all can be but being stupid and proud of it makes you a terrible person. For yourself and everyone else.


Pablo

Trying to cast for this movie. Trying to find locations. Two people making it work is fucked up beyond belief.

It's costing us (particularly Jose) a lot of dough to get this film together. It's going on 3 years now of learning, rewrites and buying equipment. In the middle of it all: me and Jose stopped talking for a year, one of the people "working" on it "left" (by which i mean was cut off from it entirely do to laziness and lack of motivation, it was a long time coming) which was right around the time me and Jose started talking again coincidentally. Shit happens for a reason. Still, making a professional grade film and having it be exactly what you want is a long winded and tedious process when you have only two people paying for and doing everything. My parents ask me where the movie is. They go "huh" when i tell them we are planning to start filming at the end of this month. I'd like to see them put together what we are putting together and how long it would take for them to do it all. With no goddamn funding. And with people doubting you, having to hear how you should give up on it because it's never going to happen. Like i said before on a previous post, Jose has it worst then i. People in his family straight out tell him to stop fucking around and get a job to give them money. "Be a real man" they say. Apparently real men work shitty cleaning jobs for 15 hours a day and give all the money to the women of the house. My situation is not as bad but, really, my folks just put up with it. They do it because they think they have too in order to be "understanding parents". But they have no faith when i tell them what i am doing and that the process takes long. Fuck mine and your parents. Yes, im talking to you. Fuck your parents. Fuck them and their implying indirectly, snide, doubting mouths. Stop listening to these fucking people. I keep wasting time searching for their support, expecting unconditional faith in me but it is too much to ask. So fuck it. Now, they aren't horrible parents. A lot of shit they do is really good, i have had a good life growing up with them. But, again, every parent has the stupid mindset of being scared for their kids. That just makes them stop you from taking risks, from doing something you might actually like with your life. A lot of people who don't put you down are because they fear on the off chance that you'll prove them wrong. Thats not support it's just self preservation.


I didn't go to school, i hated school. We both did. Me and Jose. This is our lives, what we do. From the ground up. There is no separation from me and this thing that i want to do. I didn't go learn about it from someone else and hear advice how this person or that person did it. When people give you advice it's always on how to be more like them. And not all advice is golden. Teachers don't have life down to a pattern or a routine to follow for success. But we almost expect them to tell us how to make life work. Somehow along the way someone decided that all the keys to all the doors are with teachers and if you just go and pray to them and you'll be fine. it's nonsense. i've never felt more dumb, more insecure, more unhappy then when i was in high school. It was the biggest waste of my time. And some how that place is suppose to prepare you for all this. It will teach you everything but how to be happy. Thats a primal instinct like fucking. Fucking, love, hate and happiness. They don't teach you how. They do teach you how to live completely in your head. To take life as a puzzle that can be figured out if you know the right patterns. If you stop to think about it, the puzzle and patterns are there but the configuration and quantity of them is infinite. You can follow a 12 step program but you have infinite amount of options to what your outcome can be. It is your choice always. But the education system seem to want to widdle it down. So you can be a productive, capitalist, egotistical, better-the-rest version of yourself. Like all the teachers and all the professors you meet. They are just extensions of what that system cranks out onto a fucking assembly line. They are what is considered the epitome of all civilization. Like that's as far as you can reach in life, to be at the level of your English professor in university. They know how to write in old English and have proper grammar and punctuation but they can't even fuck with their eyes closed. What kind of pathetic existence is that?


Pablo

Something has been coming up the last few days so i thought i'd blog about it like the whiny little bitch most bloggers are.

The idea of words and what they mean. I think the word itself is just a word and how it used that makes the difference, like for example the Slut in Slutwalk. It is a negative word but used a context of irony or in the sense of "you can't use this word to hurt me anymore". I've been told that it's ok for them to use that word because they are women so if they want to take it back it's up to them, but the whole point of it is to make society equal. It is equality based on the fact that both women and men have sexuality and neither one is stronger sexually then the other, just different. It IS equal in all shapes and forms. Now, i think there is something counter productive when a group like that is created to speak for those who cannot but then turn around and claim that someone who outside of it couldn't POSSIBLY understand. if it truly is like that then i could claim that they do not understand men at all ether, that what they claim to be oppression is nothing more then love. Which is compete bullshit when a women gets paid less then a man for working the same job. My point is, this idea of oppression of class, sex, race, religion is a human issue not just one that belongs to one group or the other. You don't change things by forming a group that you can belong to because that is no different then all the groups formed in high school. Where the nerds hang together so they don't feel like losers and the jocks hang together so they don't feel stupid. A bunch of people all leaning on each other to make how they feel worthless ok. so they can run away from changing how they veiw themselves. I think that is my problem with these protests and groups and things. it's always about feeling that you are "part of something" but then you go home and still think you are opressed. Not to say that you are not but you can't change anything if you don't change your self. Stop and realize how stupid it is for you to feel that way. That there is no difference from you to anybody else, weither they be man or women or handicapped or old or young. Then and only then could you even possibly start to change a bit of it.

Man feels threatened by how powerfully they are sexually attracted to women. They feel weak to that, so we formed the idea that we need to find a women to maintain power. Thus we spent time (since the dawn of the human race) putting it in women's heads that they are less then they are. It is compete and total bullshit. From both ways . Men have no reasoned to feel threatened because women are just as sexually driven as us and women have no reason to feel less because it is a lie. So, why would you get mad when that stupid guy at work says "You don't know anything because your just a women"? If it's not true, if you know that guy is an idiot, why would you get mad? it is because YOU believe it to be true. You think he is right so when he says that to you it's something that is already inside you, deep within. Until you see that in you, until you are self aware enough to realize that oppression is mostly with you, you and everyone else will continue to be oppressed.

And some people who could read this would read it and think "He is saying it's all the fault of women". If that is what you are thinking then you have a lot to learn about yourself. You have to learn how to look into yourself and see it on your own.


The battle starts with you. Any revolution in history starts with the change in mindset of a people and how they view themselves. Any type of oppression is put in place because the people feel that they are powerless. So, the oppression is there because you oppress yourself first. Then you join a group to feel like you are fighting something but you narrow your vision. You fill yourself with hate towards whatever is oppressive in your mind when you don't even look into yourself and realize that you are oppressing you most of all. Anything on the outside is second to that. It's easy to click a button and go to a meeting and say your are for it or that you belong to a cause. But whats difficult is to change how you think about yourself, which is the thing standing in the way of achieving any goal.

That is why i don't put much faith in these types of things. They always end up getting filled up with people who are running around like headless chickens. Having all this hate and not knowing were to put it. In reality the hate you have is about you and you can find something outside of you to throw it at. They put themselves in a position of i am right and you are wrong. Then it forms into an organization and they don't want to say something because it's bad PR. It turns into an ego trip. They turn into snobs for that cause. And it happens over and over and over again and no one seems to take notice. These groups pop up one every hour of every day but creating facebook groups cannot change the mindset of a people. The Egyptians didn't march together because of facebook. They marched because they changed and made up their minds. They decided they didn't want to live like that any more and used facebook as a tool instead of an outlet. It is possibly but not for common. From the point of the people being tired of seeing themselves as oppressed, they marched and it changed the course of history forever.

I guess in conclusion, my point is that creating these groups seems like almost a waste of time. It seems as if it is nothing more then an outlet for women who are tired of feeling less so they can wake up in the morning and think "at least there is that" and continue on living their shit lives. It seems like an escape, just a way for a women to feel like there is something to hope for but then still turn around and feel shitty about themselves. And that makes me sad, not the fact that it is used as an escape but the fact that any women anywhere feels less then they are. I understand no one is perfect, i still feel worthless sometimes, but these types of things aren't helping. How long can you run away before you have to face yourself, who in the end is your worse enemy? You can run away your whole life, it seems easy too when these groups are created so often and gather so much support. Everyone is looking for something to hope for but you never have to look as far as you think. Everything you need is right in you. You can change the world because you are part of it. But you need to change yourself and with that everything you touch will turn into gold. Don't just fight for it, live it. Be it. Live free and wonderful and happy. That is the start. By doing that you have already won and what you seek will be inevitable. But everything is lose if you are looking for an escape always. The reality of you isn't as bad as you'd think, your mind always makes it worse then it is. Don't want to be oppressed? then don't live like you are. Be happy and that alone will almost  make all the groups and all the protests in the world simultaneously worthless. Thanks for reading. 


Pablo

Listening to Matthew Good today. I forgot how much passion he puts into his voice and into his songs. He really hit it out of the park with his new album. I don't think i've ever liked him this much.

Been feeling good. Got a girl being shipped in, not even going to need to pay for postage. She is paying out for everything out of her own pocket. isn't that something? Everything imported they say is better so lets see if this is one of those situation.

I'm excited. She wants to come here for News Years. That be quite a difference from how i spent last New Years. Come December ill have a film under my belt and possibly a girl to go into the next year with. It will be good if it all comes through like it seeming too. I guess I'm pessimistic so i have settled on "we will see" in my head.

My sleeping patterns have gotten fucked again, makes me moody and bipolar. Gonna try to head to bed early tonight. 1AM is early for me.

I'm feeling hopeful today. Like a bigger and better future is beginning. You have to go through a lot of shit to find the good things in life. The really good things. The things that can change you and make your life better. Things that start small and evolve over time. I just feel good, now all this talk just needs to turn to action. Simple enough. I hope you are doing ok, hows your mother? I think we are doing better, you and me. I'm optimistic about us and our future. I think we will be land on our feet in the end of it all. This year has been a great one i feel because it was a year of overcoming. I feel like im treating myself better now, more like other people treat me. I have good people around me, i really care for them. They care about  me too, probably more then i did and sometimes still do about myself. I must be worth something because i have been lucky when it comes to people. The bad comes and goes but over time the good have grown in numbers. I guess i am just proud of me and them, for being who they are and for me being who i am.  I've been rewarded and i guess sometimes i feel undeserving but it's a process. If one person tells you you are worth something, they could be lying. If five, ten, twenty people tell you you are worth something, then they must be on to something. I am who i think i am and that is all there is too it. Thanks for reading.


Pablo